So I saw this on one of my local “Ask – Insert Name of City Here” Facebook pages last night. This is real. This is not a drill.
Why was she just now wanting to see if she was pregnant if her last period was three months ago? Why didn’t she try to sort this out two and a half months ago after she was sure she wasn’t getting a period? Also, birth control doesn’t give false negatives or positives. Only fertility drugs do that, and they can give false positives, not negatives.
But most importantly, what in the HOLY HELL is a “bleach pregnancy test” and how is it even effective? Just in case anyone isn’t aware, pregnancy tests look for HCG hormones in your urine or blood. Okay moving on.
I googled it.
Apparently this is how a bleach pregnancy test is conducted:
- Go into a well ventilated room
- Pour a cup of fresh bleach
- Piss in a separate cup
- Combine the two and watch for the fantastic results!
- If it fizzes, you’re pregnant
Mmmmmm…cuppa pee. Nice.
So I googled some more. Surely this was a joke. Surely no one believes any of that right?
Women are pissing in cups of bleach to find out if they’re pregnant instead of heading to the nearest CVS or even the Dollar Store to grab a real test to piss on! And what’s worse, NONE of them seem to know what’s actually happening chemically here!
I just. I can’t.
How is this happening? WHY is this happening?
Fun fact. When you combine ammonia (found in urine) with bleach what do you get?
DING DING DING! That’s right folks, you get mustard gas! Yay!!! Why does it fizz? Well that’s called a chemical reaction! When men pee on bleach it can fizz too! There are some fun comments where the people ended up in the ER and the nurses LOL’d at them when they admitted what they’d done.
This myth was created by some internet troll who knew that some idiot would piss on a cup of bleach just to find out if she was pregnant sooner. Because that’s the world we live in now. Getting everything now now now! In reality, said troll was probably cruelly hoping that the person would gas themselves. Legit people. It’s all over the internet, and people are doing this. How are we all still alive?
Which brings me to my discussion today.
I know, I know, sex education can give some of you parents a serious case of the willies. (hehe pun intended) No one wants to think about their baby getting it on with anyone no matter how old they are. But seriously THIS. This utter insanity is why we need better sex education in school. Not abstinence education. Not fear mongering sex ed. For real, because when you don’t inform teenagers of their options and resources, they resort to dumb ass shit like pissing on bleach! Or putting dandelions in a cup of their urine to see if it develops red marks on it. Just…what? Guh. Don’t even get me started on the This American Life podcast that talked about sex education. Kids these days are watching professional porn to get an idea of how to properly have sex. I don’t know about you, but I only WISH I looked like a porn star when I had sex.
The USA has a long failed history of teaching its youngins about sex and the like. The thought seems to be that maybe if we don’t talk about it, then kids won’t have sex? Or maybe if we just tell them not to do it then they won’t. Wrong! Teens have been horny since the dawn of time and there isn’t any changing that. They’ve been banging away whether you want them to or not, so the question here is do you want them to be safe about it? Or do you want a bathroom of mustard gas and a potential ER visit?
So when I was a teenager I went to a Christian high school. A very conservative one at that. Now, Christian teens are not immune to the roller coaster that is puberty, and the teachers were well aware of this fact. It could have been the powerful aroma of armpit in the hallways, unsuccessfully covered up with cologne and deodorant. Or maybe it was all the eye sex. (I was certainly guilty of that!)
Other than the awkward 5th grade “class” in which they separated the boys from the girls and told us girls all the horrible things that would happen to our vaginas, and all the un-horrible things that would happen to their penises, there wasn’t much education. I think we got a basic birds and the bees talk, but honestly, who remembers a conversation from when they were ten? Sure there was the brief “health” class in middle school in which we lightly touched on procreation but there wasn’t much to discuss. We knew the basics. But that was it.
In high school my conservative sex education consisted of a speaker coming to our Wednesday chapel service and bringing up a slide show of gruesome STD photos. Mangled penises and pus covered vaginas traumatized the entire crowd for the rest of the day. The speaker then took the guilt trip route next and reminded us that when we slept with a person, we were also getting into bed with every person they’d ever slept with too and vice versa. And didn’t we want to be pure for our partners? That when we finally took our marriage vows, we could be confident that our marriage bed was pure and sacred. Because that’s what God wanted.
Afterwards a large poster board was produced and colorful sharpies spread around. We were told that if we wanted to be pure for God, and practice abstinence then we were to sign our names, thus signing a contract with God. Of course I signed. Everyone signed. Did I keep that agreement? Wouldn’t you like to know?
But let’s backtrack. Where in any of those discussions were the important bits? Sure I can’t blame them for not talking about sex as a pleasurable experience. I’m sure they were all breathing sighs of relief knowing that the majority of us were too terrified of getting chlamydia to even consider taking our clothes off. The whole point was to pound into our skulls the blazing message of SEX BAD! GET PREGNANT! STD’S!
But where in there was the actual information? Like, if we did decide to have sex, where could we get condoms? Birth control or pregnancy tests? What were the symptoms of being pregnant, and where could we go to find out? Nooooone of that was discussed! These were important issues! You can’t just tell a teen to “not have sex” and then let them run off.
According to statistics, the US leads the world in teen pregnancy rates, and states that prescribe abstinence only education tend to have more pregnant teens than those that actually teach about sex. Do the Google. The information is there. Abstinence only education does. not. work.
Now why is that? Well, I can remember being a teen. I can remember feeling the push of rebellion within me, especially when it came to guys I liked. The more my family disliked a boy I was dating, the more in love I was with him. Just think about that for a bit. Go ahead and tell a teenager that they can’t have sex just because you say so. See how well that turns out. No one wants their teenagers to have sex. I certainly don’t want my daughter to have sex before she’s an adult, but I can only control her actions up to a certain point and just hope for the best. The fact is, that the average teenager does not wait until college let alone marriage.
I’m pretty sure there’s an entire TV show dedicated to teenage pregnancy in America for a reason. What was it? Oh yeah, Teen Mom.
It just shouldn’t be like this. Sex isn’t a scary monster of doom, sweeping down on gargoyle wings to steal the innocence of your children. Predators are scary. Rapists are scary. But just sex? Consensual sex? Why is that so taboo that we can’t even talk about it to our kids?
And you’d think with the immediate access to YouTube that teens have would give them a plethora of information, but that can be dangerous. That bleach video was on YouTube though sooooo. It says it’s legit, and works every time. While kids CAN YouTube to their hearts delight, it’s still up to you to make sure what they’re watching depicts accurate information. What’s even more concerning is that your kids can do their “research” all on their own without your knowledge. They’ve got phones. Your kid might consider themselves a sex expert before you even think to whip out the birds and the bees talk.
Talk to your kids folks. It’s up to you. Because God knows the education system isn’t giving them the resources that they need to function as responsible, sexually active human beings. Teach them the importance of wearing a condom, of taking birth control if they don’t want to get pregnant, and what the symptoms of pregnancy are. Talk to them about STD’s too and why it’s so important to get a yearly physical for those downstairs areas. Even more important is where they can go if they are pregnant or do contract an STD. That you can take them to a clinic to get checked out. That you’ll be there with them if they need to make important decisions and that you’re not actually going to “kill them.” I’m sure you’d much rather be angry at your kid for making a mistake but take them to get prenatal care, than find out about their pregnancy from a news channel when they have their baby in a back alley and leave it in a dumpster. Because that happens too.
And to wrap this fun filled post up, here are some helpful websites for all of you parents that want to keep your kid on the right track to being safe:
And if you decide that abstinence only education is good enough for your baby because it was good enough for you? Well when you’re facing a bathroom filled with mustard gas and a pregnant teen…