Endometriosis Diaries #4 Some Truths

I’m beginning to get frustrated.  Things were going so well up until around Easter.  With all of the chocolate bunnies and delicious eats I couldn’t help myself.  But once I had a taste of chocolate after not eating it for four months, I went a little nuts.

Since then, I can’t seem to get back on track eating my restrictive diet.  I know this sounds like whining  but it is a HARD diet to stick to!  There are so many temptations, and few restaurants to eat from unless you want to eat just salad all the time.  I feel like there’s this repressed fat kid that’s wanting to burst out!  My body is saying no, but my mouth is saying YES!

For the past couple of days I’ve been relatively fine during the day, but when the evening rolls around I’ve been completely plagued by vicious pain, and a frightening amount of bleeding.  I know it’s TMI but I feel like there’s a crime scene inside of me and I need to wear some yellow tape around my waist.  CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS!  I can’t even stay on my feet the pain is so bad.  Most of my food cheating has been because I don’t feel well enough to stand in front of the stove for more than a few minutes before I’m curled in a ball on the couch.  And I don’t even know why it started.  Maybe it’s because I’ve been eating bad for me things.  Who knows?  Maybe I just need to have the surgery again to clean out the lesions.  I have no clue.

What’s so irritating to me about this problem is that it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about and most people don’t understand how bad it is because most people don’t talk about it.  People judge you about it.  They don’t understand what’s wrong with you because they can’t fathom how it feels.  It’s not just like a bad period.  It’s doubled over, sweating, shaking, rocking back in forth pain.  In public, I’ve become very good at keeping a straight face when it comes on.  In reality I want to tell people who need to talk to me to please go away.  To leave me alone so I can put my head on my desk.  But who wants to tell their boss “I really can’t focus on work right now because I feel like someone is dicing up my uterus.”  Especially when their boss is a male.|

And I’m exhausted.  Being in pain all the time makes you super tired, and most people who have endo suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  I HATE it when people tell me I’m too young to be tired.  I know I’m too young to be tired, but I’m also too young to be dealing with this all the time.  At first when people say that I’m like…wow they’re so insensitive…but then I realize that most people I interact with on a daily basis don’t know the battle that’s raging inside of me.  And even as I write this my brain is like “You’re so mellow dramatic” but I know I’m really not.

#preach #invisibleillness #fightlikeagirl #endometriosis

I just recently heard on a podcast from an endometriosis surgeon that when hooked up to the monitor that measures contractions, women with endometriosis experience contractions in the cervix during their periods twice that of giving birth!  Most women develop a high pain tolerance from it.  Myself included.  Getting a tattoo on the top of my foot where there’s no meat was nothing.

Lupron For The Treatment of Endometriosis - "As per the @FDA, Lupron is considered an effective and medically safe treatment for endometriosis. I BEG TO DIFFER."  Blog entry about a woman's negative experience with Lupron.  Endometriosis research.

I want to know what to do.  I hate that the only options I have are surgery, pain meds, or this highly restrictive diet.  I wish there was a way to just make this go away…

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